Stream Of Conciousness

Deep breath.

Almost there. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Ok so the thing is....here's the thing.

My husband travels. A lot. He's been away for a while and he's coming home tomorrow. I am just waiting for that moment for one main reason.  It's not because I miss him. I do, but that's not the biggest reason.

It's to let him deal with the kids. I'm so burnt out on doing everything, dealing with every fight, complaint, request, doctor's visit, school issues, everything.

Several little things bugging me all together are making me angry;

The kitchen light hasn't been working for over a month. The bulb went out and when we went to change it, the screwy part stayed stuck and the glass part came out. We tried getting it out with pliers, a potato, nothing worked.

There's a side light but it's pretty weak and this is on the list of things he needs to deal with when he gets here. There's a fuse that goes out several times a day and that fuse happens to also control the building's water pump so we have to keep on top of it if it switches off.

The garden area outside is a huge mess because the stupid workers upstairs keep dropping cement and other crap on our floor and some toddler upstairs throws his toys and other crap out of the balcony on to our area. Yesterday he threw the potty smashing it into red plastic pieces. That did give me a chuckle though. The thought of this kid like, "I'm not going in the potty. I got your potty right here!, Here's your potty!" Smash.

Buddy, our puppy, needs to be house trained like yesterday. I'm constantly cleaning up pee and poo and it's bad enough with kids making messes but dog shit? He just isn't going on the paper. I need to get him into the garden and set up a shaded shelter area but the garden is like over 200 square meters and I need to get it cleaned up and he needs to get his vaccine before he can be outside anyway.

Money is really tight right now. The puppy isn't even paid for, the woman was kind enough to wait until I get paid next week. Same with the vaccine. It's next week. You never really appreciate every dollar or pound until you have very little and have to scrimp and save. And the kids are not being understanding and just whine because they don't want what's for dinner. So done with all of this.

The other day when I posted my last rant, after that I went for a long walk to buy something and walked a bit around town just to get away from the kids and their bickering and right this minute one of them is whining about something and I just want to flee.

I wasn't always this way. It's the added stress of work and being on my own. I hate that I'm having a hard time so much because it just shows me how bad I would be at being on my own and that makes me feel trapped. I think of leaving all the time but it's just not that simple.

Bratty Teens

I am so pissed off right now. My kids are ungrateful brats and I can't take another minute of it. What is it with this age? So fucking selfish! All they think about is themselves, it's pathetic!

I am working with a VERY limited budget right now and I'm trying to make meals that they will enjoy and won't cost much. I have off today so I had time to make a nice-ish dinner.

I went down the street to buy some groceries. No help offered from the kid bouncing his ball on the wall outside. Right now he's supposed to man up and do these kinds of errands. He's almost 16 and I had to ask him to take the bags from me when I got back and he was still bouncing the damn ball.

I ask my second oldest to help me put the food away and get dinner started and she protests. "Why me? Why can't someone else? When they help, I'll help."  Ugh forget it. I'll do it myself. The other two, one was asleep and the other was just hanging out in her room.

I get dinner cooked. I made rice, kofta, salad and fried cauliflower. They did say thanks for dinner. I finished eating and asked them to clear the table when they were done.

One by one, each of them start getting up and don't clear the table.  I ask #2 and she gives me the tried and true, "Why should I? they didn't" I call the boy from his room and he takes two things into the kitchen after I have to ask again.  I call back #2 to tell her, ok, he started, take a couple of things off the table. Nope, she claims the other two need to help as well. I told her, they will...one is still eating and the other has a cast on her leg. She has no sympathy and thinks it's unfair that her sister can't do a lot of things. She insists that she will put away only 2 items just like her brother did....no more.

I lose it. I don't understand why can't everyone just help out when help is needed!! What the hell is so hard about that?! I am so sick of this crap, it's not fair. I should have more help from them and I am constantly talking about helping each other. Instead they tell me what other kids' mothers do and how they don't have to help out. It really makes me angry and sad as well. I have really had enough.

A New Home

So yea.  I'm thinking of this blog as my own little corner just for me. A place to get away from everything and post about fun, pretty things or vent when I'm feeling down.  I'm trying to get right with myself and be at peace with the things life has thrown at me.

Someone told me the key to inner peace was acceptance. I believe it, I just have to learn to live it.  I'm hoping some self reflection could help me sort out some things. For now, here's some pretty pictures!

I need a vacation badly. I hope to be able to go somewhere for a few days in June. It's been way too long and I can't wait to get some rest and relaxation!

I'm a huge fan of makeup. I love trying out new looks and learning new techniques.

Central Park. I love it. It's like a huge oasis in the middle of the concrete jungle. I will live in NYC someday. Might be when I'm old and gray, but I will do it.